the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
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