It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
