Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
