gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
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