I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
Randomize
