Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Randomize
