I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Randomize
