We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
