you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
