I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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