i just wanna soil my oats bro
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
