So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
