3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
He? As in you personified your dick?
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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