dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
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