So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
