i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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