I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Randomize
