You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
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