Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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