My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
