he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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