So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Randomize
