I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
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