Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
