dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
This baby is an asshole
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
