I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
