I want to have your abortion
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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