i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
