I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
