She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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