all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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