I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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