$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
this just has baby written all over it
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize