Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
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