Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
So my graduate coordinator is possible gay man. I may have just found the easiest way to a degree ever.
Good plan b, put your number on all your forms. Hello gamefull employment.
Take that integrity
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
