so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
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