in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
