This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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