I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Randomize
