Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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