She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
