just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
