I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize