So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
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