it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Randomize