Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
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