So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
