im drinking this country out of the recession.
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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