Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
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Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
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