well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
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