it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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