the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
