Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Randomize
