Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
