Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
