now i know why i became what i already was.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize
