I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
3pm strippers are depressing
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
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