I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
