i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
