After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
The best revenge is premature balding
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
