he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
You dont lie about slip and slides
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
